Mindfulness

I'm feeling conflicted

My daughter and I spend the day with my best friend and her child. I felt a little odd at different times throughout the day. But now that I've had the chance to really think about it, I'm not thrilled and I feel like I need to say something to her. My daughter means the world to me, so I'm obviously protective of her. My friend and I do not parent the same way, which doesn't really matter to me. But I've recently noticed some of her parenting extending to my child, which I don't like. She seems short tempered. Raises her voice and at times full on yells a lot. I don't care for that kind of approach with my kid. When we were at the park, I felt like she kind of overstepped when it came to other people’s children. I get protecting yours because she's younger and you don't want her getting hurt, but it just felt beyond that. Like someone designated her playground monitor or something. She also seemed to have s lot of judgment for my kid and, in hindsight, I didn’t appreciate it. My daughter is a great kid. She really is. A little sensitive at times, but that's normal for a 4 year old. She'll get a little quiet and pouty when she's upset. Sometimes she will go off on her own and sulk a bit, but I'll give her room to have her moment. But my friend just had little comments about it multiple times. "Such big feelings for them..." Okay, cool. "Is it this all day?" Or whatever it was she said. "Young lady, I don't like your attitude." Correcting her when she doesn’t call her "aunt". Making some comment about her being an only child when she ran off crying because her daughter pushed my kid off her OWN piano! What irritates me the most is it's pretty apparent her kid doesn't play with other kids often. She constantly grabs my daughter, tugs at her, pushes her, takes toys from her. She even tries yank her from my lap and pull her away from me! I'm not used to that shit from ANY kid, but I extend grace. And I'm irritated at myself for even explaining why my kid goes off by herself to calm down. I shouldn't have done that.

The hard parts of patenthood

I had to give my little one real consequences for the first time at 6am this morning. I grew during a time when children were hit for what was considered "bad behavior" and I have a real issue with that, so I will never do it. I don't know all thr specifics, but I heard a crash and came into her room. Her potty was on its side and pee was all in the floor. I asked her what happened and she mumbled something about wanting her father and knockingover the potty. All of her bedding was on the floor as well. She throws it (and other things) when she's frustrated and admitted she knocked over the potty on purpose. I was irritated. I didn't yell but let her know this was not okay. I then went to get some things and started to clean it, but then made her get out of bed to help, which she wasn't thrilled about. She had a screaming fit at some point and her father came in while I finished the clean up. When I came back, I did hear him threaten to take her teddy away forever if she does this again. Not sure if I like that, but didn't say anything. He explained that what she did made me sad and asked her to apologize. She did. She was remorseful when she calmed down. I explained consequences to her as best I could. Told her because she made the mess, she had to clean it. I also went over some of her coping techniques with her. I get that she's only 3 and may not fully understand consequences, but she's a bright kid. I've been a mom for 3 years but I still feel quite new to this. Just wondering if I handled this properly.

Recalibrate?

Focus has been difficult today. I also had a check-in with Rak that felt suspiciously like my old PIP days.

Okay

No note this time.

New cycle

Still the same dosage, but I really wanna watch for efficacy this month.

What motivates me?

I've been considering what motivates me. I'm not sure yet. I've spent so much time going back and forth with ChatGPT about my skills and career aspirations. Truth is, I don't care about advancing in my career. I care about earning more money by doing something that I don't hate. That's all its really been. But now I'm wondering if it's worth pursuing another job or sticking with the stability I currently having and using any extra time I have to pursue creative endeavors that can lead to extra income. My ultimate goal is to get away from a 9-5. It often feels like the safer, more predictable route. That's probably why I put my energy into that instead of what I want to do (other than ADHD making it hard to stick to things). That's something I need to actually really think about, though. When will I actually pursue these things? The writing, the apps, whatever else? When? I keep putting shit off. Getting healthy included! Maybe it's time to stop doing that. Is there a way I can create some balance? Keep gaining new skills and pursue a higher paying job while going after the other things I want? Just feels so hard. Not enough time in the day. Not enough energy. What the hell do I do about that? Maybe try to tackle these questions one at a time. First time. How do I get more energy? Hmmm. Might be my thing for the week.

Bright

No note this time.